Speak for yourself

I hate when a person or group says something that’s then taken as being the official word of an entire community. Like when we read ”parents are outrages at a new video game” only to find that some mother’s group with three members didn’t like the graphic nature of the violence.

Today Australia’s Greek community are apparently outraged that Kevin Rudd dared compare the Ashes Urn to the Parthenon (Elgin) Marbles. According to The Herald Sun  Mr Rudd has caused a stir among Australia’s Greek community after he told a packed lecture theatre in London’s West End, “The loss of the Ashes is as unjust as the loss of the Elgin Marbles.

To paraphrase Margaret Thatcher - which Greeks? Name one. The Herald Sun did: Steve Petrou from the National Centre for Hellenic Studies said Mr Rudd’s joke about the sacred Marbles was insensitive.

“I’m sure he will apologise but the damage has been done,” Mr Petrou said.

“If he says something like that in such a light-hearted style obviously he does not appreciate what Australia is all about.”

Actually I don’t think you do Mr Petrou.

So how is one humourless Greek boffin, who obviously feels strongly about the marbles, representitive of the entire Greek community?

Unfortunately such claims end up being self-fulfilling, as it makes those supposedly being represented feel duty bound to agree.

Hopefully, the Greek community won’t take an ovine approach on this and pause to realise that Australia’s new PM has actually identified with their cause.

 

 

Hey lady, it’s only a fucking joke!

I read a blog today about an email a woman received from a male friend titled “Mu$lim pu$$y”, and realised why feminism has a bad name.

Of course such an email implies pornographic material featuring women of mostly Middle Eastern descent, however it was a picture of a cat dressed as a Muslim suicide bomber (right). Get it?

Crude stereotypes aside, this is the sort of “funny”, email you get several times a day and after a quick view you either delete it, respond to the sender or, if it’s any good, forward it on to new recipients.

Unless you’re the author of Blogger on a Cast Balcony , who somehow reckons that sender of the email was in the habit of humiliating “people of another ethnicity by humiliating ‘their’ women”.

She adds that, by sending this email he endorses the notion that: “We are at war with all Muslims. Humiliating (up to and including raping) “their” women is a legitimate war tactic. (Oh, and we also accuse them of having medieval thought processes!)”

So what have I missed here? It’s a picture of cat dressed as a suicide bomber, which Ms Balcony links without any segue into a feminist tirade about humiliating Muslim women.

Muslims = suicide bombers.
We can humiliate people of another ethnicity by humiliating “their” women.

What women? Where? That’s a fucking male suicide bomber - he’s wearing sheik’s head dress, not a hijab.

Ms Balcony seem to have failed to realise that when your friend sent an email titled Muslim Pussy he was referring to cats, not women, in the hope your dirty mind would make you think you were the recipient of porn. It seems a dirty mind is the least of your fuckin’ problems.

As one respondent put it better then I could: ”I marvel at how your Feminist Logic ™ allows you to go straight from a picture of a cat in a funny costume directly into accusations of rape. You make that huge mental leap with such practiced ease! Have you been associated with the feminist movement for some time?”

 

Your taxes in the toilet

At first this seems like a great idea. The National Public Toilet Map, a website from the Department of Health and Ageing which, according to the website, ”Shows the location of more than 14,000 public and private public toilet facilities across Australia. Useful information is provided about each toilet, such as location, opening hours, availability of baby change rooms, accessibility for people with disabilities and the details of other nearby toilets”.

I guess there are people with health conditions who’d want to know that if they were going somewhere there was a place they could go when nature calls. The piece of mind on its own would be beneficial.

But for most of us, planning a trip on the internet usually means checking Google Maps or Whereis, or the public transport websites. Knowing which piss crusted, bronzed walled, heroin shooting gallery to relieve oneself isn’t a major priority.

However sometimes you’re caught short. Last night’s Chile Con Carne has sounded a major bowel-evacuation alert, your sphincter is working harder than the Oursome Foursome at the Seoul Olympics and you’re in the middle of the street trying not to disgrace yourself - this is where the world wide web has its fucking limitations!

There is a National Public Toilet Map telephone helpline, but it’s only to help you use the website. This is a shame, imagine the conversation if you could call for directions to the nearest dunny:

Recorded message: Hello and welcome to the National Public Toilet Hotline, to help us best assist you with your call please select …

You: Oh fuck! Come Oooooooon!

Recorded message: If you need assistance with the National Public Toilet Map, press 1 now. If you need our interpreter service, press 2 now, if you have a hearing or speech impediment, press 3 now …

You: I’ll have more than speech impediment soon you fuckin’ bastard, hurry!

Recorded message: If you’re dying for a shit, want to empty a colostomy bag or change a baby’s (or your) nappy and want to know where you nearest public toilet is, press 4 now.

You: Oh thank fuck!

Recorded message: Thank you, our customer service representatives are taking other calls and will be with you in FIVE minutes.

You:Faaaaaaaaaaark!

5 minutes later

Operator: Hello Nat …

You: Oh fuck thank god. I need a toilet otherwise I’m going to spray paint the nearest fucking doorway in a shade of brown not seen since 19 seventy fucking six.

Operator: That’s fine sir. Where are you?

You: Hunched over like a fucking spinal patient in the fuckin’ main street of Coburg.

Operator: Coburg? Which state is that?

You can see the problem here can’t you. What would be great is a mobile internet version of the map so you can pull the Motorola out, find your nearest shitter and even play Tetris to pass the time, and take your mind off the snot smeared across the back of the toilet door.

Alternatively, you can take all the worry out all together and just find the nearest pub, use the toilet, and then sit down and buy a beer out of courtesy.

Everybody Loves Ishant - separated at birth?

As well as having the biggest Adam’s apple in cricket since Ian Redpath, young Indian bowling sensation Ishant Sharma has a rather strong resemblance to American comedian Ray Romano - by that I don’t mean he’s a subcontinental version of Ray, the two could be brothers. They even have the same throaty Fozzy Bear voice.

However,  while I’m sure Ishant can crack jokes like the best of them, it remains to be seen if Ray can trouble Ricky Ponting with an incredible display of perfect line and length.

Nelson attacks - separated at birth?

 

The Leader of the Australian Liberal Party Dr Brendan Nelson has the rather apt nickname “The Forehead”, but after seeing him on TV this morning I was reminded of someone else with a similar shaped bonce, also from a once mighty conquerer which gets blown apart by a rag-tag opposition - a martian invader from Mars Attacks.

Best not play any Slim Whitman around the good doctor.

How Rudd will say ‘Sorry’

 

Kevin Rudd has admitted saying sorry to the Aboriginal stolen generation is becoming really tough. No, he hasn’t had a change of heart and gone all John Howard or The Fonz on us, he’s just having trouble choosing the right words.

Lets go forward in time to preempt how Rudd will present the apology.

After a week-long think tank involving his best speech writers and political advisors along with a string of consultants including constitutional lawyers, corporate communciations specialists, Indigenous elders and journalists, the prime minister is handed the final of more than 1oo drafts of the apology.

Oscars Exclusive - Blanchett wins Best Actress

 

Cate Blanchett better start practicing her Academy Award acceptance speech because Club Wah can reveal that she has won the 2008 Best Actress Oscar.

How do we know this? It’s obvious, if you look at Clause 2.3.4 in the Official Rules of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences pertaining to Academy Award voting states that: “In voting for all award categories for actors and actresses, preference will be given to any actor who extends themselves playing the following roles:

- People with disabilities, especially retards, dummies and anyone who’s a bit mental. 
It’s worth noting here that while Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for a Best Supporting Oscar for his role as Arnie Grape in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, it was decided not to give him the award because he did not have to extend himself.

EXCLUSIVE - Mars man mystery solved

The internet is abuzz after the release of this photograph, taken in 2004 by the Mars explorer Spirit, which appears to show a human, or ape shaped form that looks a lot like previous photographs purporting to have captured Bigfoot.

Club Wah thinks it might actually be …