Monkey see …

 

Usually the bullshit off-field sports stories come before match day because the press needs something to fill sports pages with.

So now that we’re in the throes of one of the best one-day international finals for ages isn’t it time to drop the whole Harbhajan versus Australia thing?

Matthew Hayden’s silly remarks last week about the Indian spinner being “an obnoxious weed” served no purpose other than to deflect the much deserved attention of Allan Border Medallist Brett Lee, one of the true good cricket stories this year.

Before winning the medal Lee denied there was any tension between the Australian and Indian players only for Hayden to contradict him, unprompted, on radio by a couple of FM jocks who couldn’t believe their ears.

Then, instead of concentrating on Sachin Tendulkar’s  brilliant century to put Australia one-down in the finals, the media, led by the Fairfax press, went ape shit over false claims that Harbhajan made monkey actions to a bunch of drunks in the crowd.

First things first, if Harbhajan is guilty of anything it’s Worst Monkey Impression Ever!  

Why can’t cricketers earn big bucks?

 

I don’t understand all the fuss about the Australian players contracted to play in the Indian Premier League Twenty20 competition. If Harry Kewell can play in the world’s most popular football league for a seven figure sum and then play for his country, then why can’t cricketers do the same?

Lleyton Hewitt earns a shitload of money playing for himself and himsef only, but proudly represents Australia in Davis Cup. In the US, baseballers, basketballers and footballers make a fortune for privately run clubs that generate the revenue to pay them ridiculous amounts. So why can’t cricketers?

No cricket! What would Kerry think?

Channel Nine has a history of passing up great sporting events it owns the rights to for mediocre television. When Nine needed Channel Ten to take up the slack with its AFL rights, it managed to secure a great deal which saw the junior broadcaster show the finals series for the length of the rights term - the problem was the Sydney execs who signed the deal to get Ten on board didn;t quite appreciate just how big a televison event the Grand Final is. Legend has it when Kerry Packer found out that he forked out millions only to not show the finals he politely asked “who’s the cunt that signed this?”

Nine had the rights to the Football World Cup 2oo2 and decided months out that it would only show games with popular teams like Brazil, Italy and England, not quite realising that Nigeria versus Spain can be an absolute blockbuster. SBS took up the slack and rated its arse off, leaving Nine to look like fuck wits.

Nine did a simular thing with the 2005 Ashes Series, which allowed SBS to show the matches Nine didn’t want to show because of prime time shows, Wimbledon ot that no one will stayt up late to watch cricket - they fucked that one up big time.

Tonight Nine did similar thing and decided not to show India versus Sri Lanka in the Commonwealth Bank Series match from Adelaide, which turned out to be the most exciting match so far, with Sri Lanka’s attack claiming late scalps before allowing India to just get over the line with two wickets and about three balls to spare.

Everybody Loves Ishant - separated at birth?

As well as having the biggest Adam’s apple in cricket since Ian Redpath, young Indian bowling sensation Ishant Sharma has a rather strong resemblance to American comedian Ray Romano - by that I don’t mean he’s a subcontinental version of Ray, the two could be brothers. They even have the same throaty Fozzy Bear voice.

However,  while I’m sure Ishant can crack jokes like the best of them, it remains to be seen if Ray can trouble Ricky Ponting with an incredible display of perfect line and length.

Sunshine State my arse!

 

This a rain gauge.

I shit you not I am going to shove it up the arse of any Queenslander who dares make an ill-informed criticism of Melbourne’s weather ever again.

Why does Cricket Australia continue to schedule matches in Brisbane during the middle of its stinking wet season? Isn’t it enough that half the population of Queensland is actually in the Australian team?

Sydney can fuck off in this regard too.

Make effigies, not war

Unless you live in a cricketing nation, that is a country which considers cricket a national sport, as opposed to one that reveres members of the Gryllidae genus of insects, you may not be aware that war has broken out between Australia and India over a game of cricket which ended amid accusations of cheating, racism and bad hair.

Normally a war between a nation of 1 billion and one of 22 million would be considered a mismatch, but fortunately for Australia the Indians are a peace loving people who have the perfect solution to demonstrating unbridled violent anger without actually killing anyone – burning effigies.

As people of Latin origin like to let of steam by swearing, throwing things and having rough make-up sex, and Americans like to express their angst with automatic assault weapons, our friends on the subcontinent like to burn dummies that represent the object of their ire.