Ashes for the Ignorant – Part VII

In Lesson 6 of Ashes for the Ignorant, we started looking at the batting lineups of both teams starting with the opening batsmen. Today we look at the Top Order Batsmen

Lesson 7 – Top Order Batsmen

The top order batsmen come after the openers so they’re not really at the top of the order. However they’re not in the middle of the order either, so they were called top order batsmen because the people who named these things all those years ago didn’t give a fuck about such semantics.

The top order batsmen are those that come in at numbers 3, 4and 5 in the batting order. They are specialist batsmen whose job is to make runs.  Anything less is met with death – actually that’s not the case at all, but it should be. If the opening batsmen are the gladiators of cricket, the top order are knights in padded armour, swinging their willow broadswords and taking no prisoners.

The most prestigious batting position is that of No.3, or “first drop”; who comes in after one of the openers is sent back to the dressing room, kicks in a door and tells anyone who listens that he wasn’t out and that the wicket-keeper on the other team is a lying. sledging cunt. In theory No.3 is the reserve of the best batsman on the team, which places added prestige to that position. However, with the kudos comes added pressure to succeed when everyone else fails. 

The primary top order batsmen for both teams:

Talk the talk
Armed with the above information, here’s what to say if you find yourself in a conversation which turns to the batsmen of both sides.

“Both top orders are strong on paper, with Ponting and Pietersen being the trump cards for both sides. I reckon Punter (Ponting) is gonna bat like a bastard posessed.”

“I reckon Pup (Michael Clarke) will have a good Ashes. He’s been the most consistent batsmen in recent series, but he’s still underrated by most Aussie fans. His missus is hot, but not as hot as Nathan Bracken’s”

“Mr Cricket will be man of the fuckin series! He’s been out of sorts of late, but he’s played on more English pitches than Warnie has played nude Twister with bottle blondes.”

“That Bopara bloke looks the goods, though he’s only really proven himself at this level against the West Indies.”

“Paul Collingwood is not your typical English batsman; he’s tough, hardworking and has an incredible knack of staying in when the going gets really tough.”

Click here for more Ashes for the Ignorant lessons.

The Ashes for the Ignorant – Part VI

In previous Ashes for the Ignorant lessons we’ve concentrated on bowling. Now that the Australian squad has been chosen we’ll be able to go through both teams down the batting line up – which is the order of the batsmen from the openers through to the bowlers who bat shit.

Ashes for the Ignorant – Lesson 6

The Opening Batsmen

The opening batsmen open the innings. It is a specialist batting position, which means rather than the captain walking into the dressing room and saying “OK who wants to bat first?” he has two batsmen who have been specially selected for the task.

Opening is considered difficult because you’re facing the opposition’s best and fastest bowlers when they’re fresh and the ball is nice, hard, shiny, easy to control and at it’s most dangerous if it slams into the gonads. Their job is to wear down the ball and the bowlers, while laying the foundations for a big score. They are the gladiators of cricket.

The primary opening batsmen for both teams:

 

Using this information and material from previous lessons of Ashes for the Ignorant, you can form the following statements whenever the conversation turns to the opening batsmen.

“The Aussies are gonna target that Strauss. His record against Australia is rat shit and now he has the added pressure of being captain. He’s fucked!”

“Katich’s revival has been nothing short of miraculous. He didn’t have a great Ashes in 2005, but he wasn’t opening then. He’s much better at playing swing and spin now and will fuck the poms Cronulla Sharks-style.”

“Alastair Cook and Strauss were pantsed against Australia in 2006-07. But since then they are the most successful opening partership in Test cricket. Both are left handers which could mean trouble against our Mitch, especially if het gets the Duke swinging onto them.”

“That Phil Hughes is already a dead-set fuckin’ legend and showed how suited he is to the highest level in South Africa. He’s only 20 and, dare I say it, already looks like being another Don Bradman, (but without being a grumpy racist cunt).”

Add the line inside the perenthesis if you’re trying to talk cricket with an old person in a nursing home who has you in their will. 

Notes:
Alastair Cook may not actually be gay.
Don Bradman may not have always been racist.

Sometimes you don’t want the full story about player omissions

Warts and all: Shoaib Akhtar

How often is a sportsman ruled out of a match because of what the team loosely describes as a groin injury? It’s a general term to disguise a variety of ailments, not all of which are osteitis pubis.

I recall one very famous (now former) AFL player who missed a few matches with a groin injury. Rumour had it that he actually snapped his erect penis while having sex with a well known television personality – I won’t mention names here, except to say Tags.

Anyway, today the Pakistan Cricket Board has announced that controversial fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar will miss the upcoming ICC World Twenty20 tounament in England because of a groin injury of sorts.

No big deal, you might say, except that, as Cricinfo reports, the PCB gave a little bit more detail, releasing an unusually graphic press release which said Shoaib was suffering from “genital viral warts and electrofulgration [a surgical procedure] was done on May 12, 2009.”

Ooooooooooookay!

The Ashes for the Ignorant – Part IV

In previous installments of Ashes for the Ignorant we looked at the role of the English Duke ball and it’s ability to swing. We also learned that the bowler who can master the difficult art of swinging the ball as it gets older (reverse swing) will probably get loads of wickets, win the Ashes, get fame and million dollar telco/motor oil/junk food/alcohol-company endorsements and get to have sex with underwear models.

However, there is another important element of bowling which will be as equally crucial - spin. Now that Shane Warne is gone, spin is once again less glamorous than fast bowling. However, it could well be Australia’s Achilles heel because we’ve failed to uncover a new Warney (some people would say that’s a good thing – fuck some people) while our batsmen seemed a bit vulnerable against it against South Africa and Pakistan. Meanwhile, the Poms have found a bloke who may well trouble our batsman.

Ashes for the Ignorant – Lesson 4

Now, applying this knowledge in conversation will be easy. In fact you may have the upper hand here because unless cricket fans stayed up to watch the England v West Indies series on Foxtel they might not know who Graeme Swann  is. This means you’ll impress the ignorant bastards with lines like:

“Shit, that Swann is an OK bowler and is effective with the quicker ball a-la Warney’s flipper. And, unlike English pie chuckers of the past, he can bat too; with a handy Test average of 35.”

(Remember you don’t have to know what this means, just say it like you mean it)

“Let’s hope our batsmen aren’t fucked by Graeme Swann, like they were by that retard-looking South African spinner Paul Harris.”

“Ponting will be quietly spewing that Graeme Swann has got the main spinner’s gig over that mad fucker in the turban.”*

Or you can go the other tack:

“Graeme Swann might have bowled okay to the whingeing Windies, but watch him become Mr Cricket’s** bitch.”

* Monty Panesar, a Sikh spin bowler whose over-exuberant appeals and celebrations give everyone the screaming fucking shits. Has turned from good spin bowler to samosa chucker – whoops, is that racist?

** Australian batsman Michael Hussey. Has been in the wars of late, but has an incredible amount of experience playing English County cricket and (I reckon) is set for a revival against the filth England.

If there’s one positive from the Pakistan cricket attack …

This is a tragic event for those killed and the Sri Lankan cricket team, which was the only side willing to defy the security concerns in Pakistan. The repercussions for cricket in Pakistan are predictable.

However, can you imagine the dire global consequences  if it was the Indian cricket team instead of Sri Lanka?

Are the sponsors selecting the Australian cricket team?

The Sydney Morning Herald website invited readers to give their thoughts on what has gone wrong with the Australian Cricket team after it took them all day to take three South African tail-end wickets. Most of the comments were scathing of Australian captain Ricky Ponting and the Australian selectors.

But there was one comment which I reckon, through past dealings with Cricket Australia, could be on the mark.

The problem clearly rests with selectors – the “old boys” club of mahogany alley. Don’t pick the best team but rather the team that suits the sponsors’ plans. Look at the players mostly used as the faces of cricket adverts – they are underperforming but still get selected. Wake up administrators and selectors – there is a real world out there. What is wrong with more than one fast leftie??!!

• Posted by: Graeme Lewis on December 29, 2008 3:32 AM

Face it, Cricket Australia is beholden to its sponsors. If it seems far fetched that Ford, 3 Mobile, KFC, Commonwealth Bank, Fosters Group, Nestle and Mastercard could have a say at the selection table just remember how at least two AFL clubs did not select Ben Cousins because of threats by their major sponsors.

Why else would Andrew Symonds, who appears in advertising for Ford and Schweppes, receive a recall to the Test team as an “all-rounder” - after missing the India tour for disciplinary and “personal” issues - when he is in no fit state to bowl?

And why, after ordinary performances with the bat against an amateurish New Zealand attack, was he selected to face the might of South Africa while Shane Watson, whose last Sheffield Shield match included a 50 and 7-wicket haul, is left carrying the drinks? 

Remember Watson finally overcame injury in 2008 to:

• Have a good one-day international series in the Caribbean which included his first international 100 and at least one wicket per game
• Be named player of the IPL tournament for his 472 runs and 17 wickets
• Finished the tour of India with his held high after taking 10 wickets and scoring 170 runs in his first full Test series.

Whether or not this is true or mere conspiracy, one thing is for certain; the Australian selectors should explain themselves or resign before Australia suffers the ultimate humiliation at the hands of England in the Ashes Series 2009.

Rod, reel, Roy and irony

Considering that Andrew Symonds is sitting at home in Queensland, while the Aussies prepare to take on India, because he decided to go fishing in the Northern Territory instead of attend a teem meeting during the recent one-day internattional series in Darwin, I find the above competition rather ironic.

I particularly like point one of the terms and conditions which states: Andrew Symonds’ participation (during Sep – Nov 08 only) is subject to his availability. He’s definately made sure he’ll be there.

Monkey see …

 

Usually the bullshit off-field sports stories come before match day because the press needs something to fill sports pages with.

So now that we’re in the throes of one of the best one-day international finals for ages isn’t it time to drop the whole Harbhajan versus Australia thing?

Matthew Hayden’s silly remarks last week about the Indian spinner being “an obnoxious weed” served no purpose other than to deflect the much deserved attention of Allan Border Medallist Brett Lee, one of the true good cricket stories this year.

Before winning the medal Lee denied there was any tension between the Australian and Indian players only for Hayden to contradict him, unprompted, on radio by a couple of FM jocks who couldn’t believe their ears.

Then, instead of concentrating on Sachin Tendulkar’s  brilliant century to put Australia one-down in the finals, the media, led by the Fairfax press, went ape shit over false claims that Harbhajan made monkey actions to a bunch of drunks in the crowd.

First things first, if Harbhajan is guilty of anything it’s Worst Monkey Impression Ever!