That’s nice dear

From the choices below, fill the in blank from the first par of this story from the Herald Sun.

Melbourne model Kelly Landry has beaten a strong field of starlets to win the prize role of …………

A) Australia’s Ambassador to the United Nations

B) UNICEF Ambassador

C) Face of Tourism Australia

D) Apprentice of the Year

E) Letter spinner on Wheel of Fortune

If you guessed E you were correct. Women have really come a long way and so has the Herald Sun in its never-ending quest for a decent local angle.

 

TV Reviews - Moment of Truth & Kitchen Nightmares

 

Moment of Truth
Nine
Tuesdays, 7.30pm 

What the fuck Channel Nine? Your promos boast that “we love TV” and then you expose us to this total piece of televisual gob shite.

What is It? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire for vain fucking idiots. Contestants are asked personal questions with a lie detector supposedly detecting if they are bullshitting or not. Friends, partners or family members are with them so they are faced with either lying to protect their feelings or telling the truth for prize money, which rises incrementally up to $500,000.
It’s like Truth or Dare without the fun bits - like choosing dare and having to run down the street naked or using your elbow to make contact with your English teacher’s breast.

First Impressions: Why? What sort of fucked up individual would subject themselves to this shit?

Verdict: I hate everyone involved with this show and hope they die.
What scares me though is this sentence on the show’s website: “THE MOMENT OF TRUTH is being produced in 23 other countries, including Spain, Brazil, Germany, France, Italy and the United Kingdom.” Let’s pray this shit fails fast so Australia is not next - that said I reckon the Italian one would be worth a look.

Rating: What is it with Channel Nine and Tuesday 7.30pm? After subjecting us to Monster House (still one of Australia’s most serious unprosecuted crimes) Nine have served up a baker’s dozen of shit-stained arse!

 

Kitchen Nightmares
Nine
Tuesdays, 8.30pm 

Channel Nine was criticised for showing this in prime time after uber celeb chef Gordon Ramsay said “fuck” or its many variants 80 times in one episode. Now if my show followed that fucking pillock piece of shite Monster House or the fucking piece of shitful crap Moment of Truth, I’d fucking swear like a fucking bastard too.

What is It: Award-winning English chef Gordon Ramsay goes to struggling restaurants, before turning things around and making everyone happy - think Super Nanny but with ego-driven American chefs instead of little bastards whose parents have long mistaken them being the spawn of Satan for bad diet or Attention Deficit Disorder.

First Impressions: Like Super Nanny it’s quite formulaic -Ramsay enters a restaurant, spits the food out, tells the chef he’s the worst fucking chef he’s ever fucking encountered, and changes things for the better only for the fucking chef to chuck a wobbly before having an epiphany and using Ramsay’s advice for a happy ending. The different situations and idiot chefs make each week a unique joy to behold.

Verdict: I hate this genre of show but this makes me put the remote down and your feet up. It’s like driving by a crash scene on the freeway and gawking at the carnage despite your best efforts not to.

Rating: Fucking dog bollocks watchable.

No cricket! What would Kerry think?

Channel Nine has a history of passing up great sporting events it owns the rights to for mediocre television. When Nine needed Channel Ten to take up the slack with its AFL rights, it managed to secure a great deal which saw the junior broadcaster show the finals series for the length of the rights term - the problem was the Sydney execs who signed the deal to get Ten on board didn;t quite appreciate just how big a televison event the Grand Final is. Legend has it when Kerry Packer found out that he forked out millions only to not show the finals he politely asked “who’s the cunt that signed this?”

Nine had the rights to the Football World Cup 2oo2 and decided months out that it would only show games with popular teams like Brazil, Italy and England, not quite realising that Nigeria versus Spain can be an absolute blockbuster. SBS took up the slack and rated its arse off, leaving Nine to look like fuck wits.

Nine did a simular thing with the 2005 Ashes Series, which allowed SBS to show the matches Nine didn’t want to show because of prime time shows, Wimbledon ot that no one will stayt up late to watch cricket - they fucked that one up big time.

Tonight Nine did similar thing and decided not to show India versus Sri Lanka in the Commonwealth Bank Series match from Adelaide, which turned out to be the most exciting match so far, with Sri Lanka’s attack claiming late scalps before allowing India to just get over the line with two wickets and about three balls to spare.

Monster House - TV Review

Monster House
Nine
Tuesdays, 7.30pm (but probably not for long)

What is it? Like Candid Camera, but about as funny as the 25-year Indonesian occupation of Timor Leste.

First impressions: This show should be called Monster Turd - the big fuck off Chiko Roll looking stonkers that take four flushes to get rid of.

Verdict: This one hour of fuck-tardery actually makes Comedy Inc look like The Fast Show. The main characters are about as likable as cancer, the audience laughter sounds like it was elicited by the Gestapo and the plots, which attempt to make fools of unsuspecting people, suck harder than than a Dyson upright. I hate this.

Rating: Get fucked Channel Nine