Liberal leadership - what sort of question is that?

The latest Newspoll shows spineless former federal treasurer Peter Costello is by the far the most popular choice for the thankless task of Opposition Leader. Costello was found to be less shit that Malcom Turnbull who was only a little less hated than Brendan Nelson.

What’s the point of asking who the preferred opposition leader is when Labor still holds a 14-point lead of the Coalition and Kevin Rudd’s approval rating as preferred prime minister is still up around 60 per cent. Such questions remind me of my school days when we posed dilemmas like - would you rather be blind or deaf?

Which is why Newspoll should have asked callers about which other of two evils they prefer. I mean if you’re going to ask which cunt do people prefer to lead the Liberal Party, you might as well ask:

• Would you rather be kicked in the left nut, or right nut?
• Would you rather have gay sex with Fred Flintstone or Barney Rubble?
• Would you rather be caught eating your snot or ear wax?
• Burn or drown?
• Do you prefer Kyle and Jackie O on radio or TV?
• Would you rather step in shit or vomit?
• Do you prefer Starbucks or Gloria Jeans?
• Who is the more credible columnist, Andrew Bolt or Timmeh Blair?
• Would you rather live in Adelaide or Hobart?
• Westlife or Take That?
• Would you prefer farmers to be fucked by Coles or Woolworths?
• Should Channel 10 show Friends or The Nanny?

I think you get my drift. What useless, no-win dilemmas would you pose?

Who’ll take credit for trade surplus?

The Australian reports Australia has broken broke a five-year run of trade deficits in April, recording its first surplus since March 2002.

The impact of the commodities boom and an improvement in rural exports fuelled by an easing of drought conditions briefly propelled the national trading performance into the black.

Figures released today by the Australian Bureau of Statistics show Australia recorded a trade surplus of $12 million in April but slipped back into the red in May - partly as a result of the spike in international oil prices.

This is good news for the Rudd Government and I eagerly await Andrew Bolt’s column praising it for making the most of the high Australian dollar and it’s work in slowing inflation which puts the brakes on imports.

I also await Brendan Nelson’s praise. I mean he’s quick to sink the boot in on petrol prices and interest rates with Rudd being in power for just six months - so why not give credit when it’s due. And I’m sure Brendan Nelson wouldn’t even think to claim credit on behalf of the Howard Government for this turnaround in the trade surplus.

Defence Minister Fitzgibbon - my suspicions confirmed

Having, as Iain Hall puts it, broken my conservative virginity (for my protest vote in the Kororoit by-election) I have flushed the condom down the toilet and had a long shower and put the experience down to one of those dirty one-night stands you have that mean nothing.

I should point out that I would never think of voting for the Federal Liberal Party as long as my feet touch this ever warming planet. So after scoffing at Brendan Nelson’s spin on the aftermath of the Gippsland by-election, and yelling at my computer screen “fuck you to hypocritcal elongated-forehead cunt”, I came across this article on the Rudd Government’s Defence Minister Joel Fitzgibbon - I liked what I read.

I don’t know too much about Mr Fitzgibbon, but like Lindsay Tanner, he immediately struck me as a straight shooter who takes the Defence portfolio very seriously and won’t simply meld into the background to maintain the status quo - unlike the stream of bell-ends that that Howard put in there.

My intuition was, if not confirmed, sataisfied by this entertaining article in The Sunday Age by political columnist Paul Daley, which descrbes Fitzgibbon as a “no-bullshit former auto-electrician from Cessnock in country NSW. He has a turn of phrase that could make Belinda Neal blush — the product, perhaps, of knocking about with tradies, cock-fighting through the NSW Labor Right and playing first-grade rugby for the Cessnock Goannas.”

How good’s that! I haven’t been this excited about a politician since I saw a pic of Julia Gillard’s three-bedroom house in Altona!

Daley writes about Fitzgibbon’s approach to his job that, in these days of carefully, but misguided spin and populism, by the prime minister, rather excited me.

For example:

Then, just before Christmas in a closed-door meeting of NATO defence ministers in the shadows of Edinburgh Castle, Fitzgibbon let fly at the organisation’s lack of coherence on Afghanistan. Some were taken aback. Others, however, appreciated the plain talk. American Defence Secretary Robert Gates approached the plucky Fitzgibbon in the bar, put his arm around him, called him “son” and said he was glad someone had finally stated the truth. The two have been close since, and will meet for the fifth time when Fitzgibbon goes to the US next month.

Remember the bullshit line Howard ran about Australia jeapordising the security relationship we had with the Americans? At least Fitzgibbon has shown we can be friends with the Yanks without sucking their cock.

Theen there’s this anecdote about Fitzgibbon’s talks with Lockheed Martin, the manufacturer of the controversial F-35 Joint Strike Fighter:

The JSF’s manufacturer, Lockheed Martin, knows Fitzgibbon is on the warpath. At a recent meeting with a senior company man, the Australian minister purportedly said: “Look mate, don’t f— us around. If there’s something wrong with this plane then tell us now.”

There was, it is said, a sharp intake of breath. But no clear answers. Fitzgibbon will meet Lockheed Martin for round two in Fort Worth, Texas, next month. Oh to be an official in that room!

It’s great to see an old-school politician in a senior position who has lived a real life and hasn’t come through the party-hack ranks. Let’s hope he can continue to be himself and kick some defence establishment arse and undo the damage done by the Howard Government.

 

Dr Nelson’s hypocritical oath

I must admit I scoffed at new guidelines which consider binge drinking to be more than four mid-sized beers in a session. Surely binge drinking is when you drink like a bastard with the sole intention of getting drunk, resulting in one, or a few, of the following:

• Vomiting
• Waking up with Sophie Mirabella
• Podium dancing - at church
• Physical violence sparked by someone coming up with an innacurate Simpsons quote or fact
• Walking up to the drive through window at KFC at 2am and ordering a bucket of chicken and telling the girl behind the window that she looks hot in the paper hat, only for HIM to thank you
• Doing both the Jimmy Barnes and Ian Moss parts of Cold Chisel’s Bow River at karaoke (I once did this up north and was officially considered a legend by Bundy drinking Queenslanders
• Asking the great Ronald Dale Barrassi if he was up for some karaoke, only to get the answer FUCKING KARAOKE???!!! - another true story, I swear.

But it seems that according to the Federal Government, just a few standard drinks after work puts you in the binge category. This has been met with cries of “nanny state” and hysteria over binge drinking.

Enter Dr Brendon Nelson, who is quick to tell us the tragic cases he came across while working as a GP - no doubt many caused or influenced by alcohol.

Dr Nelson has put his own hysteria into the mix, raising fears that the reason the Rudd Government has strengthened the definition of binge drinking is to raise taxes on beer and wine.

This is the carer’s allowance fear mongering all over again, which will undo the intention of redefining binge drinking, which is to make people think about how much they drink. You might not think four standard drinks it binge drinking, but what about six, seven or eight … ?

And those screaming “nanny state” should remember there are no laws against binge drinking. So what’s the fucking fuss?

The AMA, which doctor Nelson once presided over believes it’s a good idea , so why doesn’t Dr Nelson, who surely would know from experience  that a lot of people vastly underestimate or are oblivious to how much they drink.  He’d also know that while the spotlight is on youth binge drinking, the biggest binge drinkers are adults.

The fact that Dr Nelson can only use the prospect of higher alcohol taxes to dispute the new guidelines shows his transformation from doctor to politician is complete, and that his prattling on about his time in the surgery, in order to make appear more human, should be treated with the contempt it deserves.

 

 

Brendon Nelson’s short memory on fat kids

Does Brendon Nelson really think we have forgotten he was part of the 11-year reign of the Howard Government and that he can now sling shit from opposition as though his hands are clean of everything his Party was responsible for in power?

I couldn’t believe when I read the Dr Nelson has accused the Rudd Government of spin when it comes to Australia’s childhood obesity figures.

Hang on. Rudd has been in power six months, yet we have been subjected to fat kid stories for years now, so how has Rudd exaggerated the issue, considering that, although Howard did not believe childhood obesity was a Federal Government responsibility and should be left to parents, he still threw money at it before the 2004 and 2007 elections:

• In June 2004 (before an election) Prime Minister John Howard promised to spend $116 million to tackle the problem of childhood obesity.
• That same month Mr Howard announced that schoolchildren will have to exercise for two hours a week if their schools want a slice of the government’s $31 billion funding package.
• In September 2007, Prime Minister John Howard said the Government would spend $3 million on 1.9 million fridge magnets for school children which carry ten tips for healthy eating and regular exercise (fuck he loved those fridge magnets).

And from a speech by the then education minster Brendan Nelson in August, 2004:

Childhood obesity is now a major cause of preventable health problems. It is already endemic in some areas and on the rise in others. About 20-25% of Australian children are overweight or obese with the proportion increasing rapidly, particularly since the mid-1980’s …

The Australian Government is committed to increasing the levels of physical activity in primary and junior secondary students leading to promote more active and healthier children … significant measures announced by the Government which include:

• $90 million over four years to establish an after-school physical activity programme which will provide Australian families with a convenient and practical opportunity to support the healthy development of their primary school aged children (five to 12 years).
• a $15 million grant programme to help schools, families and children put into practice messages about healthy eating; and
• $11 million for an information campaign to raise the awareness of the vital role healthy eating and physical activity play in the well being of Australia’s children and to provide practical advice for parents and children.

Who does Brendan Nelson think he’s kidding

How the mighty have turned into a bunch of nitpicking arseholes

The Liberals have gone to town on Prime Minister Kevin Rudd for employing a personal assistant who travels with him and a housekeeper at The Lodge whose duties include looking after the Rudd’s 14-year-old son when they are away on official business - the wages of who the Rudd’s pay 60 per cent.

In a cynical ploy to cash in on the angst of voters doing it tough because of the rising cost of living, the Liberals are condemning the prime minister for his apparent largesse.

A senator who I have never heard of, but instantly presents himself as a fucktard of the highest order, Senator Michael Ronaldson, told the Senate Estimates Hearing: “So here we are at a stage in this country where petrol is $1.60 a litre, and here we have Jeeves, whose position as a travelling assistant to the Prime Minister is travelling around the country putting out clothes for the Prime Minister in the morning.”

And enter Dr Brendan Nelson, who, flushed with the first thing that can be considered success in his pitiful six months as opposition leader, said in Parliament: “The Prime Minister says to Australian families, ‘We’ve done everything we physically can to provide additional help to Australians’ - in other words ‘Get out of my way, I want to get in my long white car, I want to have these people look after me’.”

Surely Mr Nelson it’s time to stop patronising the general public and using us to score a rare point over the government.

Why don’t you stop using your own big white car, give up your electorate and parliamentary staff, get paid on a performance basis (which should be fuck all) and give up the generous parliamentary superannuation which you’ll be claiming long after petrol prices send many of the people you pretend to represent to the wall.

And while you’re at it fuck head, why don’t you look back six months and see how many staff were required to run both The Lodge and Kirribilli because of John Howard’s ridiculously self-indulgent decision to stay living in Sydney at our expense.

You talk about fuel and long white cars, well how much fuel was used so Mr fucking Howard could go home to his harbour view every night - try $7500 for the RAAF VIP jet to fly him to Sydney, and another $7500 to return to its base empty. And what about the Canbearra-based public servants who had to be flown to Sydney with the Prime Minister?

And you worry about the cost of employing a so-called butler and housekeeper?

Dr Nelson if you’re going to start trying to score cheap political points, try making sure non of the shit sticks you first, fuckwit.

Dear Mr Brendan Nelson,

Dear Mr Brendan Nelson,

You cry like a bitch because well off people are going to be means tested for the baby bonus, while uni students, who are trying to live independetly miss out on Austudy because they or their parents earn more than a certain amount, which is well under the $150,000 mark and also incudes the value tied up in the family home.

Your party was in power for 11 years, and not only did you not fix that, you made the criterea even tougher.

And when your mob was in power families who accidentally received more family payments than they qualified for, because they are not fucking Nostradamus and couldn’t accurately predict how much they would earn for the next 12 months, were slugged with fines in the thousands of dollars.

Most of these people were treated like welfare fraudsters even though the reason they earned more than declared is because they worked hard and earned more over-time or freelance payments.

I never saw you opposing the shitful way your government, via that tent-wearing bitch Amanda Vanstone, treated them like criminals, withheld payment to their children, who you so fucking claim to value, and made them pay the money back.

And why is it the Liberals never complained or stopped means testing for the following worthy causes?

• ABSTUDY - Actually we can guess why
• Age Pension - you value all babies but not pensioners
• Assistance for Isolated Children Scheme - don’t you value kids who live out bush?
• Austudy - see above, cunt
• Bereavement Allowance - shame on you
• Carer Payments - gee, with the song and dance you made about carers I actually thought you gave a fuck. Why is this means tested when it saves the government so much money?
• Disability Support Payment - do you only care for healthy babies?
• Family Tax Benefit A & B
• Mature age allowance
• Newstart Allowance
• Parenting Payment - why have a baby bonus when we have this?
• Partner Allowance
• Pension Bonus Bereavement Payment
• Pension Bonus Scheme
• Sickness Allowance
• Special Benefit
• Widow Allowance - widows!
• Widow B Pension
• Wife Pension
• Youth Allowance

Means testing is nothing new, and it is applied to people a lot needier than a couple who decide to have a baby. What’s more disappointing about your decision to criticise the baby bonus means test is that no mainstream political journalist has put all this to you.

I hope all the criticism and shit polling is getting to you.

Regards,

Wah

Dr Who has lost the plot!

This weekend Brendan Nelson showed he is either fucking nuts, or a Labor plant sent in to finish off his Party’s good work - like storm troopers going in after the Luftwaffe’s Blitzkrieg to mop up any pockets of resistance.

Opposing a means test for the Baby Bonus, Dr Nelson, implied that the allowance was given as an appreciation of little babies, rather than a way to couple to have children to keep the birth rate up to counteract our ageing population - while having the added benefit of a vote-winning bribe to the middle classes.

He said ”It’s very, very important that Mr Rudd understands that every mother loves her baby and this should be an Australia where all babies are equal.”

So how will denying rich people the baby bonus change that?

Anyway, not all babies are equal Dr Nelson, and I haven’t seen you or any politician for that matter come out and say how unacceptable it is whenever a child is found dead because over-worked and underfunded social welfare services failed to read warning signs or simply were unable to do anything when they did.

I never saw you, when you were education minister, stick up for state schools and create a funding model that didn’t favour our most elite private schools. And I never saw you oppose a child care funding models that allows listed companies to make mega profits from early education, resulted in child care centres closing in inner city areas and ignored parents who could not find a child care place.

To say the means testing the baby bonus means the government does not value all babies is without a doubt the most stupid thing you will say during your short and disastrous time as opposition leader.