The real star of Top Gun will be missing from the sequel

Like Kelly McGillis, the F-14 Tomcat is out of service

I must admit I loved Top Gun when it first came out - not for the actors, pathetic and totally innacurate storyline, Champagne script (”you’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong”), the Kenny Loggins and Motels soundtrack or the You Lost that Lovin’ Feeling bar scene, but the cinematogrophy of the aerial combat scenes.

So was I excited when I read that Tom Cruise may be reprising his role as Pete “Maverick” Mitchell for a sequel to the 1986 (yes, 1986!) hot movie?

Well, no! And that’s because the real star of Top Gun won’t be in the hardly anticipated sequel. No, not Kelly McGillis (didn’t her career rocket after that!), Val Kilmer or Anthony Edwards or the angry bald guy, but the Grumman F-14B Tomcat.

Since starring in Top Gun,, the old girl has been retired from service (the F-14 Tomcat, not Kelly McGillis) from the US Navy which means the star of the next movie wull probably be the F-18F Super Hornet, which is an impressive piece of kit but won’t have the same screen presence as its giant predecessor -  it’s like making a sequel to Jane Fonda’s Barbarella starring Lindsay Lohan.

Tania Zaetta isn’t the real story

To quote Clint Eastwood in one of his most underrated roles, Gunnery Sergeant Tom Highway in one of his most underrated Heartbreak Ridge, the department of defence’s handling of the “Tanya Zaetta affair”has been nothing short of a ”clusterfuck”.

Even if this story is true, so what. We have a beautiful woman and bunch of uber fit guys in Afghanistan who’ve been there so long that the camels are starting to look attractive - I’m more surprised that nothing happened.

But while defence staff and people inside the defence minister’s office will be probed to see how a report alleging sexual activities between Zeatta and an undisclosed number of SAS troops was leaked, the real story is being shoved aside. The real story for which heads should roll.

And it’s this. Who the fuck authorised the imposition of Angry Anderson on Australian soldiers in a theatre of conflict where low morale could be deadly. Some of these troops weren’t even born when Angry committed atrocities such as singing Suddenly during the wedding of Scott and Charlene in Neighbours, and or when he built playgrounds for nuffy kids on A Current Affair.

Let’s put it another way. Sixty-one-year-old Anderson is a year older than the Chief of the Australian Defence Force, Air Chief Marshall Angus Houston!

It’s bad enough having to fight a war with a mostly unseen enemy that would gladly use suicide tactics to kill you, so why be subject to a fat, balding ageing rocker.

If you really want to fuck a group of highly trained soldiers, give them Angry!

On a serious note if Zeatta and Anderson are correct in saying no such incident occurred and that Anderson not make such allegations then heads really need to roll. Also the newspapers that printed this story without even asking Zaetta for her side of the story should be ashamed of themselves.

Photo: News Ltd

I pissed on John Howard

I had a rare Saturday-night venture into Melbourne’s CBD at the weekend for a friend’s birthday drinks and after spending an enjoyable evening at Rue Babylon’s surrounded by a group of gorgeous women, we ventured to a great little joint called the Horse Bazaar, which, despite its involvement with experimental art and music, was an enjoyable and rather unpretentious venue, which uses visual media, in the form of projections on the wall, as well as music to entertain.

The urinal in the men’s is the best I’ve ever seen. It actually has a movie on it, obviously rear projected as I caused no shadow standing in front of it. As I did what it was that led me in there I noted that the vision being shown on the said piss tray was Riverdance, which was rather exciting because I can think of nothing better than pissing on the image of that obnoxious, God-awful Irishman Michael Flatley.

As I tried following directing the stream of piss at the foot-tapping ponce, I realised with great joy John Howard’s head super imposed in the footage of Lord of the Dance - talk about a great way to ensure men don’t piss on the floor!

Fortunately someone else has done what I wish I did and filmed this brilliant piece of functional art on their camera phone.

It only occurred to me after I left that I never checked the story inside the cubicles. Next time.

 

 

Richie Sambora jailed - let’s not let the truth get in the way of a good blog

 

I have a confession to make. I saw a headline on Google News which said Richie Sambora jailed for fraud and thought that the Bon Jovi guitarist would be, from now on, spending the nights in orange overalls being Bubba’s bitch while Crusher watched the door.

I even thought of writing a blog about it and formulated ideas on the train between sneaking peeks at the cute chick reading the book who made my day, thinking I should declare my feelings to via a disturbing SMS to mX newspaper’s stalker letters page. Anyway, I digress.

So when I went to find the story for some inspiration to provide you with witty and ribald comment I realised that Richie Sambora is actually a fat Adelaide idiot with a mullet named Romeo Pacifico, who changed his name to Richie Sambora and obtained $25 million in credit from various financial institutions. Pacifico copped a 16-year sentence for what I reckon was a pretty clever act of deception.

Which leaves my planned blog about Sambora’s comeuppance and comparing him to Al Capone rather redundant.

Why would you compare him to Al Capone? I hear you ask.

I’m glad you asked.

Well, if the real Sambora was jailed for credit fraud it would be a lot like how Al Capone, a mass-murdering thug who used fear and corruption to remain untouchable, finally got his by being indicted for tax fraud. OK, so he never got what he should have, but his life turned to shit, his crime empire crumbled and he died soon after a broken man.

The reason why the prospect of the real Richie Sambora being jailed didn’t raise eyebrows is because, like Al Capone, he has to be called to account for atrocities including:

- Being in Bon Jovi and co-writing most of the songs
- His backing vocals on Blaze of Glory
- Endorsing sex with teenagers in the film clip for Sleep When I’m Dead
- His fucking dress sense
- Ripping Peter Frampton off by using a “talk box” with his guitar
- All his solo efforts
- Appearing in Staying Alive, the shitful follow up to Saturday Night Fever and rival to Grease 2 as worst movie ever
- Getting to shag Heather Locklear and Denise Richards (the cunt)

The least he deserved is 16 years, even if it wasn’t for actual crimes committed.

Oscars wank

 

I’m glad Cate Blanchett or any other Australian didn’t win a major Oscar.

Whenever one does it sends Australia back 30 years to the days of cultural cringe where the media wank on as though it’s the greatest thing to ever happen to this country and inindate us with embarrassing ”wow, the Americans know we exist” shit - even when the award is for Best Costume in a Foreign Film.

We’re better than that.

Oscars Exclusive - Blanchett wins Best Actress

 

Cate Blanchett better start practicing her Academy Award acceptance speech because Club Wah can reveal that she has won the 2008 Best Actress Oscar.

How do we know this? It’s obvious, if you look at Clause 2.3.4 in the Official Rules of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences pertaining to Academy Award voting states that: “In voting for all award categories for actors and actresses, preference will be given to any actor who extends themselves playing the following roles:

- People with disabilities, especially retards, dummies and anyone who’s a bit mental. 
It’s worth noting here that while Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for a Best Supporting Oscar for his role as Arnie Grape in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, it was decided not to give him the award because he did not have to extend himself.

It takes two, surely

When a big story breaks you read all kinds of things as the news services attempt to satisfy your hunger for more and more information. This happened today on Australia’s news web sites, which went from having a one-sentence AP story about reports of Heath Ledger’s shock death to black-top web news specials with stories, tributes and biographies within an hour or so.

Within all that you read some weird stuff, like this story in The Age about the sleeping pill that Ledger was said to have been prescribed.

Follow that dream, before it’s too late

The shock death of Heath Ledger attracted predictably large numbers of tributes and comments on the newspaper web sites. Among the polite, non-judgemental messages of condolence was the usual scattering of “he took drugs so he deserved to die” bullshit pieces of divine wisdom, that are sadly to be expected when this sort of tragedy occurs.

Then there were the “why would a famous person who has it all want to kill themselves?” comments, which demonstrate there really needs to be a lot more education about the hideous scourge that is depression.

Hidden amongst the comments on the Herald Sun web site was this one by Dustyn of Richmond, who I’m sure is a nice fellow if not foolishly naïve enough to think that we actually give a shit about his fantasies.