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Posted by clubwah on June 9, 2009
In Lesson 6 of Ashes for the Ignorant, we started looking at the batting lineups of both teams starting with the opening batsmen. Today we look at the Top Order Batsmen
Lesson 7 – Top Order Batsmen
The top order batsmen come after the openers so they’re not really at the top of the order. However they’re not in the middle of the order either, so they were called top order batsmen because the people who named these things all those years ago didn’t give a fuck about such semantics.
The top order batsmen are those that come in at numbers 3, 4and 5 in the batting order. They are specialist batsmen whose job is to make runs. Anything less is met with death – actually that’s not the case at all, but it should be. If the opening batsmen are the gladiators of cricket, the top order are knights in padded armour, swinging their willow broadswords and taking no prisoners.
The most prestigious batting position is that of No.3, or “first drop”; who comes in after one of the openers is sent back to the dressing room, kicks in a door and tells anyone who listens that he wasn’t out and that the wicket-keeper on the other team is a lying. sledging cunt. In theory No.3 is the reserve of the best batsman on the team, which places added prestige to that position. However, with the kudos comes added pressure to succeed when everyone else fails.
The primary top order batsmen for both teams:
Talk the talk
Armed with the above information, here’s what to say if you find yourself in a conversation which turns to the batsmen of both sides.
“Both top orders are strong on paper, with Ponting and Pietersen being the trump cards for both sides. I reckon Punter (Ponting) is gonna bat like a bastard posessed.”
“I reckon Pup (Michael Clarke) will have a good Ashes. He’s been the most consistent batsmen in recent series, but he’s still underrated by most Aussie fans. His missus is hot, but not as hot as Nathan Bracken’s”
“Mr Cricket will be man of the fuckin series! He’s been out of sorts of late, but he’s played on more English pitches than Warnie has played nude Twister with bottle blondes.”
“That Bopara bloke looks the goods, though he’s only really proven himself at this level against the West Indies.”
“Paul Collingwood is not your typical English batsman; he’s tough, hardworking and has an incredible knack of staying in when the going gets really tough.”
Click here for more Ashes for the Ignorant lessons.
Anonymous said
Well we’re out of the hit-and-giggle series and that’s a good thing. Can now concentrate on the actual cricket. Don’t hold an enquiry Cricket Australia – our demise in the hit-and-giggle is proof positive that we can still play real cricket if you ask me.
Could be very close I reckon. Don’t want to be snarky, but I reckon this is about the most second-rate attack Aust has had for thirty years, M Johnson aside.
Bertus said
NB – Anonymous above was Bertus.
clubwah said
Bertus the one bowler everyone has forgotten is Stuart Clark, he’s fit and missed out on playing County cricket due to visa issues. I reckon he could do what Terry Alderman did in 1987.
stewie said
Since the departure of Warne and McGrath the Oz team have lost their air of invincibility. Though they have played well since then they have also played as badly as any Aussie team has to my memory. It should be quite an interesting ashes. Lack of an class spin option is a worry. Australia also seem to have rediscovered their 2nd innings achilles heel of late as well. Personally I would like the series to be as compelling as the last one in the UK, and maybe the Aussies will win it this time round.
Bertus said
Wah – um, actually I’d forgotten about Stuart Clark too. Yes, quite right.
Anonymous said
All this is right on the dot. Honestly could not have put it better.
What about the middle order? Or are you cleverly devising a way to bad-mouth Flintoff as well?
clubwah said
I’ve been a bit slack. I’m going to see the team selections and go from there. I’m sure Andrew Flintoff will get a special mention.
Ray Dixon said
I’m sure Andrew Flintoff will get a special mention
For ball tampering?