For all creatures great and small, unless they’re in the ceiling

Yesterday I heard a scratching noise above the kitchen followed by some chirping, which made me realise some poor bird had managed to get trapped in the space between the between the downstairs ceiling and upstairs floor.

A short time later I heard a similar noise in the study – two birds had somehow got stuck up there together.  Being a rented house, cutting a hole in the ceiling wasn’t quite an option, so I pulled a downlight down to see if the birds would fly out of the hole which was a little wider than my clenched fist.

Sure enough both birds went to the hole, no doubt attracted by the natural light. I opened the front door and hoped they’d pop out onto the downlight hanging by the cable and then fly out.

They didn’t. I went up to the whole and realised they were baby birds, with their mouths open wide for food. Thinking that they’d simply rush away if I put my hand in to get them I called the RSPCA for advice and to see if they could come and catch them using their tools and techniques.

I spoke to a guy who pretty much told me that I should cut a larger hole in the ceiling so I could then throw a towel over the birds and catch them that way. He said if I wasn’t comfortable or sure how to do it that I should call a private animal rescue firm as the RSPCA officers were not allowed to carry out such rescues involving ceilings because of, and I shit you not here dear people, ”occ’ health”.

Oh sorry RSPCA, next time I’ll wait for two birds to be stuck in the safety of my bathroom fucking floor before I call for help! And would you have come if they were cute puppy dogs?

In the end I realised that the birds wouldn’t rush away from the hole because they thought I was going to feed them. So I grabbed them by the beaks and pulled them to the safety of a washing basket. I called the local vet who said to put them outside and the mum should still feed them until they are big enough to fly – which isn’t too far off.

I heard them chirp away today so they survived the rain and cats. Personally I don’t give them too much of a chance, but at least they didn’t die in a slow and cruel manner in my ceiling – no thanks to the RSPCA.

Let’s rate Melbourne Cup pleb fashions!

I hope Messrs Murdoch and Blunden don’t mind me borrowing a pic gallery from the Herald Sun (look I attributed and linked it) to rate some of the fashion choices amongst the Melbourne Cup crowd.

This is good to see.  A nice, well-dressed couple. While I don’t like the red tie he gets points for matching her hat. His hat works too. 
Can’t see the whole outfit on her, but it looks elegant, though a wider brim on her hat could have improved things a little.
Is she showing too much bosom? No, you can never show too much bosom. 

 

Oh how fucking original, dress up as a bishop. That is so fucking 1988. At least he never dressed as a nun. 

Mix Shane Warne with a mentally reatarded zebra and a white pork pie hat, and you get cunt!

The plastic cup is the only thing that works here.

These girls were dressed by the wardrobe department of production studio that specialises in barely-legal-teen porn. For fuck’s sake this is the races, not some nightclub at Docklands that lets underage girls in because the big Maori bouncers thing they might be in for a root.
Girls, you’re too young and cute to be slappers, but you’ve managed it.
Dear God! Is that girl on the right wearing a bra top?

Just humour the old cunt!

No complaints here!

Guys dressing up in drag at the races is a bit old hat isn’t it?
What? They are actually women?
Jesus suffering fuck!

Honestly, can someone tell him to fuck off!

Mmmm, full of MILFy goodness! That reminds me, I better check my RSVP account.

I thought they sent the photographer to the Melbourne Cup. What the fuck was he doing in Gertrude Street?

Full points for originality and gorgeousness!

Bullshit, sheilas? Really?

OK maybe you can show too much bosom.
Ah, no, you cannot.

How do you abbreviate dim sims?

Dimmies or dimmos?

There’s a shitful ad on high rotation on 3AW, particularly during Sports Today, which has a bunch of voiceover actors pretending to be working class chaps having a laugh at the expense of a mate named Davo who went on a three-week cruise “and there weren’t any sheilas on board”.

A few analogies follow and one bloke chips in and says “that’s like a takeaway shop not having any dimmos”.

I assume the stereotypical tradesman type was referring to dim sims. Whenever I hear it I punch the steering wheel and yell obscenities because any real tradie worth his tool kit would refer to dim sim as “dimmies” – fucking dimmos!

So am I right? Is it dimmies or dimmos?

It might be worth mentioning which state or city you’re from – perhaps there’s some kind of regional variation.

Tom Harley retires and the fucktards can’t help themselves

I’m starting to think that to some people the word “Comment” means give it your best shot at being a stupid cunt.

While I’ve come to expect that there will always be fucktards making comment about issues such as asylum seekers and Labor government policy you sort don’t expect to see rampant cuntishness in a simple story about the retirement of a footballer considered by many one of the most decent blokes to have played the game – Geelong Premiership Captain Tom Harley.

Yes I’m a Geelong supporter and that’s a reason why I’m way overreacting to people who just think that having an opinion means showing that there really is a case for selective homicide to rid the world of stupid. But I’m not allowed to yell out “bunch of cunt” at work so I’ll take my anger out here. You don’t have to read it, but I bet you know you want to.

Wispy of Windy Hill Posted at 10:57 AM Today
Hurley is hack he chock in grund final against hack hawks his not as good play as his might borther mick hurley from might bomber!!!1 the might bomber will win back to back flogs in 010!!1

OK, I might have to forgive this chromosome deprived fuckwit. Should we expect anything else from an Essendon supporter?

Sav of Melbourne Posted at 10:59 AM Today
Here it begings … Harley will go and then the others will follow within the next couple years. Then lets wait and see how the Cats will fair. They will be like Brisbane who lost all of their older players and started to go down on the ladder.

Yeah Sav, two Brownlow medallists still in their mid-20s and a team that will go in next year pretty much unchanged except for a few young blokes putting their hand up for bigger role. I bet you follow Collingwood. Cunt.

Nick of Melbourne Posted at 11:52 AM Today
Worst footballer to have won two flags.

Is that all you can offer knob-end? I bet you have kids because you managed to fluke a couple of fucks. And I bet your kids hate you because when they draw pictures with messages saying they love you, you say stuff like “you’re no Leonardo DaVinci”. Why do you do that? Oh, I know because you’re the thinking man’s cunt.

Richard of Elwood Posted at 12:40 PM Today
Whoopee. Ordinary player

I bet that’s what that prostitute you paid said

david of mordialloc of mordialloc Posted at 1:01 PM Today
Disappointed the hack is gone. Geelong will get better without him.

I bet you’re an upset St Kilda fan, upset St Kilda fan of Mordialloc of Mordialloc.

When satire can’t compete with reality

I’m not normally into blogging by links, but if you want a good belly laugh you have to read this story from the NT News  about a woman denying that she had oral sex with the driver of a car, thus causing an accident.

Her quotes are gold and make Chk Chk Boom girl seem eloquent.

All the week’s Herald Sun stories in one yarn

FORMER Carlton champion Brendon Fevola has been traded to the Brisbane Lions amidst allegations he groped a female journalist, wore black face, shot a kangaroo in the head with a crossbow, tortured Buckley the puppy and threw his daughter off the West Gate Bridge.

Fevola, whose full-forward position at Carlton is expected to go to Joe Hockey, who admitted this week that he was sounded out by The Blues, has also been blamed for rising interest rates by failing to wind back the economic stimulus.

The allegations arose as the Coleman Medallist, Australia’s second most unpopular man after Federal Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull, took time out from his holiday on the Kakoda Track where he twice died of heart attacks, to attend a press conference to confirm his signing with the Lions.

Asked if was glad to be leaving Melbourne, Fevola said ”bloody oath” because, as Andrew Bolt pointed out, the city had no major landmarks when compared to other cities around the world including Paris, Prague, New York and Dunedin.

Fevola, whose antics have rightly overshadowed the Pacific tsunami and Sumatran earthquake, said he was the victim of a smear campaign by West Australian players.

He then asked why he was the target of such hatred for having what he called a “bender” while criminals like Mick Gatto are treated as heroes in Melbourne and get to have celebrity book launches and their story published as extracts in the Herald Sun.

In other news, Australian scientist Elizabeth Blackburn has won something called the Nobel Prize.

A bullshit storm in a wee cup

First of all let’s get some house keeping out of the way by naming and shaming a couple of journos for forcing quotes from ”experts” to justify a bullshit story.

Clementine Cuneo and Gemma Jones of the Herald Sun have used not one, but three experts to back up what has to be the most ridiculous piece of beat up journalism I have seen in the that paper for a very long time – and believe me dear people that is fucking saying something.

The story by News Ltd’s answer to Woodward and Bernstein pretty much says that bikini outfits for toddlers sold at Target lead young girls into growing too fast – the story then goes on to attempt to link them with everything from eating disorders to girls in their early teens partaking in “sexting” – that is sending lurid text messages.

It also implies that any parent who buys their kids an outfit such as the one pictured is promoting some kind of sexual awakening in their little girls. 

You know a story is on a one-way trip to arsedom with a line like: “The Herald Sun found crop-top style bras for toddlers aged two to three on sale at Target, sparking outrage from parents.”

What parents are outraged?

I was expecting our friends at the Australian Family Association to turn up in the story, but instead journalism’s wonder duo dug up Dr Louise Newman, Professor of Developmental Psychiatry at Monash University; Dr Joe Tucci, CEO of the Australian Childhood Foundation and Victorian child advocate Julie Gale, who runs an organisation called Kids Free 2B kIDS.

What concerns me about the use of these people is that most of their quotes seem very general and do not directly relate to little bikinis for toddlers.

For example:

The trend is taking a heavy psychological toll, said Dr Louise Newman, Professor of Developmental Psychiatry at Monash University. 
“I’ve seen children suffering from clinical depression in primary school because they don’t feel they are pretty enough or thin enough or able to be popular,” she said.
“The girls are worried they won’t get boyfriends, girls have started defining their self-worth in terms of themselves as a sex object.”

That might be true, but is it because of a fucking bikini top?

And this:

Dr Joe Tucci, CEO of the Australian Childhood Foundation, said unprecedented numbers of young children needed psychological help.
“In an unprecedented way this generation of children are being exposed to adult concepts far earlier than they are ready to understand,” he said. “Kids as young as seven are worried about the way they look, whether they’re attractive to young boys. They lack self-esteem and confidence.
“If they don’t feel like they fit into those messages, they feel like they are not as good as other kids.
“An impact is depression and anxiety, which we are seeing an increase of in unprecedented levels.”

He could be talking about any number of reasons here.

What girl never wore a bikini when she was little? How the fuck does that exploit them sexually and send them on a downhill spiral of depression and pre-teen sexual activity.

I have two daughters. They are good kids, very well balanced and thankfully show a level of naivety that’s pretty normal for their ages. And guess what they wore little bikini tops when they were toddlers. As my nine year old just said ”it’s to stop people seeing your boobies”.

If the Herald Sun is really concerned about little girls having body image, then maybe they should have a look a lot of advertising and editorial content within the pages of its own fucking rag to see the crap that’s being put into kids heads. Thing like:

Any excuse to show Jennifer Hawkins in a bikini

The paper’s obsession with the aptly named Rebecca Twigly.

Obesessing over a woman because of what she wore to the Brownlow Medal

Need I go on?

Today’s dumb racist fuck is …

I read with absolute disbelief this comment to a story in the Herald Sun about Victorian Premier John Brumby refusing to discuss the extradition of an Indian man, who fled Australia after being charged with a fatal hit and run accident, during his visit to India.

Fashionista Posted at 2:58 PM Today
One set of rules for indian students! By Brumby refusing to deal with the situation he is breeding racial disharmony. Send them all home I say!

Good to see the Herald Sun readership is blessed with so many fucking humanitarians!