We need to stop taking Australia Day so seriously

Until yesterday, the only time I ever really celebrated Australia Day was when I lived in London. Since then I have been among the cynical, criticising over the top patriotism, lamenting that January 26 marks the invasion of Aboriginal Australia and cringing at recent phenomenon of our national day becoming an excuse for people to freely express their xenophobic views.

The far left and right sides of the political spectrum have done their best to hijack Australia Day so now whenever it rolls along it generates the same of series of debates ranging from an Australian Republic to immigration numbers.

This year I chose to avoid all that, after all these are debates we should have all the time. In fact I hardly gave Australia Day much thought as I was meant to be working. But some rescheduling at work allowed me to take the day off and I ended up at my partner’s brother’s place for an Australia Day barbeque – complete with little Aussie flags, VB cans in stubbie holders, Aussie music and even an Australia quiz for the kiddies, which included a prize for which one of them could sing the Australian National Anthem. After that there was a trip to the beach, some attempted body surfing followed by a game of beach cricket, followed by coffee and pavlova back at the house.

As I ended Australia Day at a Vietnamese restaurant in St Albans, I thought about how much fun I had doing things we can take so much for granted. This is what Australia Day should be about. Rather than hijack it to highlight our problems and political agendas – which we can do any day – we should use it to reflect on the great things about Australia and being Australians. It shouldn’t be a day of guilt, nor should it be one of nationalism or social exclusion.

Why act on unreasonable accusations?

Once, when I was an electrician, I was wiring up computer points in the Department of Defence offices in St Kilda Road. We had a loom of cable crossing the floor near the staff tea room so I made a sign warning people of the trip hazard.

The sign simply said: “Caution, men working, watch your step.”

An hour later a delegation of four women, in typical public service fashion, stormed up to me and my two colleagues demanding  to know why the sign says “MEN working”. I looked at them, then looked at Rod and Iain, and looked at them again and replied: “uhm, because we’re men.”

The women stormed off in a huff and we continued to do our work. No one died, women’s rights were not set back 10 years and no one tripped on the cables.

Despite their accusations I’m not sexist – the fucking lesbo bitches.

I was reminded of this episode by the farce surrounding the KFC advert featuring a cocky young bloke offering chicken to a bunch of West Indian fans as part of its Cricket Survival Guide series.

As you probably know the ad ended up on You Tube and some over sensitive types in America immediately linked it to the racist stereotype of African Americans lazily munching away on fried chicken – despite the fact the black people in question were obviously from the Caribbean. The inevitable shit fight resulted and KFC pulled the ad despite it being neither racist or intended for American audiences.

Now, I don’t give a fuck what the stereotype is in America, these ads had no intention of playing on them and are not racist. So why did KFC pull the ads? Why couldn’t they have done like I did with the DoD delegation and shrug their shoulders and say “you got it wrong, there’s nothing to see here ”, and go on their merry way?

The DoD women  jumped on their high horse without even considering the facts. I could have changed the sign to suit their PC requirements, but I had no reason to. And I’m fucked if I was going to apologise – my intentions were to protect people from hurting themselves, not to make a sexist statement. To their credit they accepted my explanation and went on to find other ways to spend their working day.

What may have looked sexist to people on the lookout for examples of sexism wasn’t, end of story. And what seems racist to some isn’t always racist. Sure, if people have concerns they should raise them, but there are plenty of occasions, as in the KFC case, where it is totally reasonable to tell over-sensitive types that they got it wrong and thus should consider hardening the fuck up.

Thatcher’s island fantasy

Hope you're satisfied Thatcher!

One great thing about this time of year is the release of secret government files after 30 years of suppression. A stand out today is a British Government document showing that former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher asked Australia to help buy an island to resettle Vietnamese refugees.

This is interesting reading because it details the ridiculous fears Thatcher and others raised about the tide of Indo-Chinese refugees. According to the newly released papers, the Iron Lady hatched a plan to get Australian prime minister Malcolm Fraser to jointly purchase an island in Indonesia or the Philippines ”not only as a staging post but as a place of settlement” for them all.

Thatcher was uneasy about a UN request to take in 10,000 Vietnamese refugees (Australia took in 200,000) and warned her ministers of ”riots in the streets”.

Good one Maggie.

I look forward to the late 2020s when papers will be released revealing secret government plans hatched to deal with the influx of asylum seekers and refugees from Muslim countries during the past decade. How quaint will predictions of breakaway Islamic states, terrorist sleeper cells in every suburb and fears that we’ll all be “talking Muslim” seem by 2029?

An interesting aside to this story was that Thatcher’s plan was apparently scuttled by then Singapore prime minister Lee Kuan Yew, who strongly opposed the plan. Were his concerns based on humanitarian reasons of setting up a permanent refugee colony? Like fuck. According to the papers he was concerned it could become a ”rival entrepreneurial city” to Singapore. 

To think we hoped our world leaders could ditch self-interest and come to some kind of agreement in Copenhagen.

Proof! Global Warming is a myth (Google Weather FAIL)

Today’s weather report (December 12, 2009) as seen on the iGoogle weather gadget. Looks like I picked the wrong day to do laundry.

For all creatures great and small, unless they’re in the ceiling

Yesterday I heard a scratching noise above the kitchen followed by some chirping, which made me realise some poor bird had managed to get trapped in the space between the between the downstairs ceiling and upstairs floor.

A short time later I heard a similar noise in the study – two birds had somehow got stuck up there together.  Being a rented house, cutting a hole in the ceiling wasn’t quite an option, so I pulled a downlight down to see if the birds would fly out of the hole which was a little wider than my clenched fist.

Sure enough both birds went to the hole, no doubt attracted by the natural light. I opened the front door and hoped they’d pop out onto the downlight hanging by the cable and then fly out.

They didn’t. I went up to the whole and realised they were baby birds, with their mouths open wide for food. Thinking that they’d simply rush away if I put my hand in to get them I called the RSPCA for advice and to see if they could come and catch them using their tools and techniques.

I spoke to a guy who pretty much told me that I should cut a larger hole in the ceiling so I could then throw a towel over the birds and catch them that way. He said if I wasn’t comfortable or sure how to do it that I should call a private animal rescue firm as the RSPCA officers were not allowed to carry out such rescues involving ceilings because of, and I shit you not here dear people, ”occ’ health”.

Oh sorry RSPCA, next time I’ll wait for two birds to be stuck in the safety of my bathroom fucking floor before I call for help! And would you have come if they were cute puppy dogs?

In the end I realised that the birds wouldn’t rush away from the hole because they thought I was going to feed them. So I grabbed them by the beaks and pulled them to the safety of a washing basket. I called the local vet who said to put them outside and the mum should still feed them until they are big enough to fly – which isn’t too far off.

I heard them chirp away today so they survived the rain and cats. Personally I don’t give them too much of a chance, but at least they didn’t die in a slow and cruel manner in my ceiling – no thanks to the RSPCA.

Let’s rate Melbourne Cup pleb fashions!

I hope Messrs Murdoch and Blunden don’t mind me borrowing a pic gallery from the Herald Sun (look I attributed and linked it) to rate some of the fashion choices amongst the Melbourne Cup crowd.

This is good to see.  A nice, well-dressed couple. While I don’t like the red tie he gets points for matching her hat. His hat works too. 
Can’t see the whole outfit on her, but it looks elegant, though a wider brim on her hat could have improved things a little.
Is she showing too much bosom? No, you can never show too much bosom. 

 

Oh how fucking original, dress up as a bishop. That is so fucking 1988. At least he never dressed as a nun. 

Mix Shane Warne with a mentally reatarded zebra and a white pork pie hat, and you get cunt!

The plastic cup is the only thing that works here.

These girls were dressed by the wardrobe department of production studio that specialises in barely-legal-teen porn. For fuck’s sake this is the races, not some nightclub at Docklands that lets underage girls in because the big Maori bouncers thing they might be in for a root.
Girls, you’re too young and cute to be slappers, but you’ve managed it.
Dear God! Is that girl on the right wearing a bra top?

Just humour the old cunt!

No complaints here!

Guys dressing up in drag at the races is a bit old hat isn’t it?
What? They are actually women?
Jesus suffering fuck!

Honestly, can someone tell him to fuck off!

Mmmm, full of MILFy goodness! That reminds me, I better check my RSVP account.

I thought they sent the photographer to the Melbourne Cup. What the fuck was he doing in Gertrude Street?

Full points for originality and gorgeousness!

Bullshit, sheilas? Really?

OK maybe you can show too much bosom.
Ah, no, you cannot.

How do you abbreviate dim sims?

Dimmies or dimmos?

There’s a shitful ad on high rotation on 3AW, particularly during Sports Today, which has a bunch of voiceover actors pretending to be working class chaps having a laugh at the expense of a mate named Davo who went on a three-week cruise “and there weren’t any sheilas on board”.

A few analogies follow and one bloke chips in and says “that’s like a takeaway shop not having any dimmos”.

I assume the stereotypical tradesman type was referring to dim sims. Whenever I hear it I punch the steering wheel and yell obscenities because any real tradie worth his tool kit would refer to dim sim as “dimmies” – fucking dimmos!

So am I right? Is it dimmies or dimmos?

It might be worth mentioning which state or city you’re from – perhaps there’s some kind of regional variation.

Tom Harley retires and the fucktards can’t help themselves

I’m starting to think that to some people the word “Comment” means give it your best shot at being a stupid cunt.

While I’ve come to expect that there will always be fucktards making comment about issues such as asylum seekers and Labor government policy you sort don’t expect to see rampant cuntishness in a simple story about the retirement of a footballer considered by many one of the most decent blokes to have played the game – Geelong Premiership Captain Tom Harley.

Yes I’m a Geelong supporter and that’s a reason why I’m way overreacting to people who just think that having an opinion means showing that there really is a case for selective homicide to rid the world of stupid. But I’m not allowed to yell out “bunch of cunt” at work so I’ll take my anger out here. You don’t have to read it, but I bet you know you want to.

Wispy of Windy Hill Posted at 10:57 AM Today
Hurley is hack he chock in grund final against hack hawks his not as good play as his might borther mick hurley from might bomber!!!1 the might bomber will win back to back flogs in 010!!1

OK, I might have to forgive this chromosome deprived fuckwit. Should we expect anything else from an Essendon supporter?

Sav of Melbourne Posted at 10:59 AM Today
Here it begings … Harley will go and then the others will follow within the next couple years. Then lets wait and see how the Cats will fair. They will be like Brisbane who lost all of their older players and started to go down on the ladder.

Yeah Sav, two Brownlow medallists still in their mid-20s and a team that will go in next year pretty much unchanged except for a few young blokes putting their hand up for bigger role. I bet you follow Collingwood. Cunt.

Nick of Melbourne Posted at 11:52 AM Today
Worst footballer to have won two flags.

Is that all you can offer knob-end? I bet you have kids because you managed to fluke a couple of fucks. And I bet your kids hate you because when they draw pictures with messages saying they love you, you say stuff like “you’re no Leonardo DaVinci”. Why do you do that? Oh, I know because you’re the thinking man’s cunt.

Richard of Elwood Posted at 12:40 PM Today
Whoopee. Ordinary player

I bet that’s what that prostitute you paid said

david of mordialloc of mordialloc Posted at 1:01 PM Today
Disappointed the hack is gone. Geelong will get better without him.

I bet you’re an upset St Kilda fan, upset St Kilda fan of Mordialloc of Mordialloc.